my viewpoint of life

Monday, May 29th, 2006

8:32 am - making plans, yeah right!!!

I give up at making plans. I drive Brett insane because I never make friends, however this weekend is the reason I try not to. On Sunday I had plans with Erin and Kerry and some other people to go to the beach. Well Erin has been feeling sick and decided to call me around 9:30 to tell me she wasn't going, and so then I called Kerry and she was up too late to go. Therefore, no one else was going, so either I went by myself or I completely scrap the plans we had for about a week. Well turns out, Brett decided to go with me, if I made sure he didn't get burnt(which I did a good job at making sure he didn't). Well Kerry and I had plans to go tody and now nature as well as other things are keeping plans from going again! Last night a brush fire started that blocked our route to get to Cocoa. Well we could go to New Smyrna or Daytona, however Kerry went to bed an hour ago and she can't function...so once again plans have gone astray. I give up I'm not allowed to make plans from this point forward..it doesn't work for me.

Monday, April 24th, 2006

8:50 pm - frustrations

Ok so I now am on myspace so I hardly ever come on to livejournal much anymore, but I needed to let some emotions out and this is the safest place to write things down without anyone I don't want seeing them, see them..speak of the devil..he just walked into the room. I can be such a bitch lately it's horrible. I hate when I'm like this. Brett has been doing really good with his spending/gambling habits, and I really should be commending him on how far he has come...yet all I do is pick at the faults. I know he has come so far, and yet I can't appreciate that. He bites his tongue every time I go on an emotional rampage(which isn't fair to him). He so could throw things back at me, but he doesn't cause he knows it would cause more turmiol. How did I find a guy that will put up with all the shit that I deal out, and keep control of himself not to throw it back at me. I think the reason I pick on him so much, is because of my insecurities with myself and with him. He used to have a huge problem with gambling...so much of a problem that he couldn't pay any of his bills. In the course of a year, he has paid off every credit card, and is even taking care of my bills so that my salary goes towards the wedding, and possibly a new house when we are married. He has proven to me time and time again that he has changed and that he has new priorities...so why am I so scared that he will revolt back to his old ways??? I need to trust him completely...but when I do that, I think I put the little bit of control I still have out of my hands...which scares the shit out of me. I love knowing what will happen, and how to take care of it. I like things to be for certain. I'm just so scared that since he plays cards again he will get carried away and I won't be able to afford a nice house, or raise my kids(future) the way that I want to raise them, and pay for their college, etc. I know it's a long way off, but I still can't help thinking about it. I need to stop my worrying and just let life take it's course. I can't control it...I can only live it and make it the best time that I know how...and bitching at my fiance for the stupidest things is not making the best of it. I need to try harder to live my life with another...it's not just my wants and needs anymore...but I have to take into consideration Bretts too.

current mood:

thoughtful

Tuesday, January 10th, 2006

11:24 pm - The strangest dream

I had the weirdest dream the other night that I figured I'd better write down before I forget it. One day I will analyze this dream, cause it was just too weird. Ok..here it is:

My brother and sister were in town visiting, as well as one of our mutual friends. I decided to go take a bath for some reason and while I did this, my sister persuaded my brother to go for a walk with her. Chris only wanted to watch TV, but he went along anyways. When I got out of the bath, Joy and Chris were back from their walk, and Joy was discussing plans with our friend of what to do for the night. We did have a limit on how late we wanted to stay out, so of course they couldn't settle on a plan easily. This pissed off Chris so he tied up Joy with masking tape around her ankles and her wrists, placed a piece of tape over her mouth and threw her into the closet. I came out of my room to start cleaning up the family room and I kept hearing these strange wimpering noises. Chris was ignoring them, so I assumed maybe I was just hearing things. However, these sounds kept coming, louder and louder and I knew at that point I wasn't imagining them. I asked Chris, where did Joy go. He responded calmly that she was in the closet. I asked him why and he said, cause I put her there. I immediately went to the closed only to open the door and see Joy shoved into the closet tied up by masking tape on her wrists and ankles, and tears were streaming down her face. I took the tape off and she said she couldn't feel her legs. When Chris shoved her in the closet they were bent in such a way, where she pinched off the blood flow to her legs. I helped her stretch her legs out and I massaged them to see if I could help her get feeling back. While I was doing this, I noticed how warm she was. When she tried to stand she collapsed several times due to the fact she was so dizzy(she was overheated because of the crying). Chris finally developed a conscious and realized he could have killed our sister and wanted to help. I told him to go get a cold compress to help bring her temperature down. He went into the kitchen and kept asking stupid questions like, where do I find a compress and should I put ice in it, etc. I finally yelled at him to get a towel out of the drawer, put cold water on it and bring it to me. I put it on Joy's face and neck, and eventually her temperature came down. She stood up and that's when I woke up.

Now if you can tell me what that dream means...you're good! I looked up a little dream analysis and all it told me was that the presence of my brother and sister symbolize the relationship we are in(which I don't see) and that me helping my sister shows me that I am nursing a hidden aspect of myself(which I can see that one)...but why my brother tied up my sister and threw her in a closet...that's what I'm really disturbed about! Anyways...time for bed.

current mood:

sleepy

Friday, December 30th, 2005

8:16 am - I found the ring

I confirmed my suspicions about the ring last night...I found it while cleaning. It's so beautiful. Brett listened to me while we were at the Jewerly store Christmas 2004. I couldn't believe he actually heard what I wanted. It's a marquis cut stone(my wedding band will have to smaller one's on them..I've already decided) set on a white gold band. I am so nervous now. I have no clue when the actual engagement will take place but I know it's coming...and I think that is what makes me more nervous. I have seen the ring, so I know it's real. It's no longer Brett just teasing me. Eeeeek!

current mood:

excited

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Thursday, December 29th, 2005

4:49 pm - ramblings

Wow, I can't believe that another year has passed. I feel like I just graduated from college, only to realize that I also am in my second year of teaching. Where has the time gone? This year has been a complete roller coaster for me. Last December I was stuck at Four Corners still hating life. I hated teaching the kids, I hated my principal, I liked very few of my coworkers. I knew that the next school year I had to get out. During this time, I hardly hung out with anyone except for Brett. It was kind of depressing. I finished up at that school, packed my stuff and got out of there...only to start the job hunting again. This time I got lucky. I found a job at Goldsboro Elementary, which still isn't exactly what I want to be doing, but it's good experience that I will definitely be sticking out for at least 3 years. At this school I plan to get my masters as well to begin to work on National Boards. Maybe I will be done by the time I start looking for a new job. I really want to teach chorus, but at this school I have the opportunity to build up the program. Order what I need to order, etc. During the first couple months at this school, Brett broke up with me, only for us to get back together that next Monday. All is well with us. He's practically moved in, and he now is teasing me about a ring. Who knows if it's true or not. It annoys me that he would tease about such a thing...but he's trying to get a rise in me. I'm at the point in my life where I am settled. I have a group of close friends that I can count on for almost anything. I hate that I don't have more of those, and that a lot of friendships have kinda gone by the wayside. That's one of my new year goals is to recultivate those friendships and do things with them...I am so busy with life that I forget the important parts of them sometimes. I have slowly begun to lose weight again...although it is extremely hard this time. I'm working out, gaining muscle, but staying the same weight. I need to just buckle down and do what I'm suppose to do, all the time. Anyways this is now turning into ramblings and I need to go finish cleaning. Until Next time.

current mood:

good

Monday, September 5th, 2005

2:58 pm

How will you take over the world? by The Dark Crystal
Username
How long will your despotic reign last?
How you will rise to power	Well, you do have certain... talents. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more, say no more...
What you will be remembered for	Your contribution to the arts and sciences. Also your affinity for dead people.
The general of your formidable army	panther1022
Your spouse	brassknight
Your arch-nemesis	musicofthesiren
The one who is secretly plotting against you	details15
The OTHER one who is secretly plotting against you	shadylanesview
Your mercenary	flubbles
The head of the religion devoted to you	call_me_crash
Just a random flunky	flamingofreak

Quiz created with MemeGen!

current mood:

content

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Wednesday, August 31st, 2005

7:49 am - Brett and I together again...explanation

Ok a lot has happened since my last post. Some people are pissed/dissapointed in me for it, but hey it's my life I need to live it how I feel it needs to be done. Brett and I got back together on Monday. I was missing him so bad that I couldn't concentrate at work so I called to talk to him, and he was the same way. If we both are genuinely hurting that bad, not for breaking up, but because we miss eachother why were we broken up? I got to do a lot of thinking over this weekend and the thoughts that were coming into my head that scared the shit out of myself and put doubts why I was in the relationship are no longer there. I was to the point where I was about to cheat on Brett. I'm not sure why I thought it, maybe it was because Brett wasn't giving me the attention I needed...who knows. However, the more he was away the more I thought about my opportunity and the more I didn't want to do it. Something in me was disgusted with myself for even thinking about it, and going through some stuff I probably will never be able to tell Brett about. I came up with a list of things I needed to work on and some things that I needed from Brett in the relationship if it's going to continue. I had a lot more work on's because they were detailed than needs. Some of my needs were 1) I need to be shown that I'm appreciated. True I do know that I am, but the last 6 months I never was shown that I was. It's the little stuff that makes the biggest difference. Brett was planning these huge surprises(which yes, show me I'm appreciated) but if I never see it except those huge surprises, the surprises all of a sudden become not so important. I need the note on the door, a text message just to say that he's thinking about me, maybe a card, cooking dinner if he knew I had a long day/bad day, etc. Those little things don't take a lot of time, but they show me that he cares. My second thing on my list was that I needed him to understand when I say I need my space and respect that. I'm not ready to be married. I just got out on my own, got into a job that I finally like, why do I want to be myself into that position where I'm now stuck...I still need to find out who I am. That doesn't mean I can't be with someone seriously but there are times that I'm going to want to do my own thing, and I need someone who won't act all hurt when I do that. When I told Brett that one, he didn't realize that I was feeling obligated to be with him because I was going to hurt him. He promised to make sure that I wouldn't feel like that. I told him that I hope he will do the same thing. If he wants to go hang out with the boys, go for it...don't feel bad because I'm not with you. I can find something else to do, it's no big deal. My last thing I need is open communication. We BOTH have nasty habits of keeping everything inside until it is ready to explode. One that isn't healthy for either of us, and two it's not healthy for the relationship, if there will continue to be one. When something really bothers me I need to tell him and vice versa. These all are things that would be common sense, but if your worried that you'll sound nagging or bitchy you keep it to yourself a lot of times. Now a lot of what I needed from the relationship I know I have to work on. I show Brett all the time I appreciate him. I make him dinner when he's had a long day at work. I'll surprise him by doing wash, washing dishes, cleaning up the apt. He works a lot of hours(especially over the summer) so I tried to help him out, so that he wasn't exhausted all the time. But I have done some pretty shitty things too. One thing is that I used to pick out all his faults. After a while if someone did that to me I would break down, seriously. I know that noone is perfect...and the faults I was picking out are extremely petty. He didn't put the toilet seat down, he didn't close the shower curtain, he didn't wash his dishes when he was done, etc. After talking to Hermann on Monday he enlightened me on how guys work. If I pick on Brett so much I'm going to be the nagging girlfriend all the time, but if I start slow..maybe Brett closes the shower curtain 5/10 times..that's something I should tell him I appreciate from him, etc. Instead of picking on him again. I also promised that I would work on helping him more discreetly. I try to help him in dance but I do it in front of everyone. I'm the type of person that if you do that to I wouldn't care(but I also grew up dancing with people doing that all the time). I don't think about how it could make someone else feel. I definitely need to work on talking things out when they start to bother me...not waiting until i'm going to explode because that's when I cause problems, and I need to stop analyzing every little thing. I need to take things in stride and go with them. Sometimes analyzing things are ok, but a lot of times it just causes problems. My last thing and I think this is one of my most important things I need to work on is taking time for myself. In the past year and a half, the only time I took time for myself was when Brett and I were having issues. I need to hang out with my friends, and do the stuff that I still want to do. Hermann confirmed this for me, and made me see myself in a new light(it was a good talk with Hermann). I just moved out of my parents house, yes I still want to have some fun...and I found a job that I finally like. Of course I don't want to be married yet...no shit, I need to find who I am. I need to take that time and truely see myself. I was already thinking so far in advance that I forgot that. This past weekend made me take time for myself and it made me realize that w/o Brett something in my life was missing. I wasn't lonely because I was single...I was lonely because I didn't have him. Brett has become the person closest to me over the past year and a half, when he was gone a part of me was gone. It's hard to explain the feeling, but those who are in a longterm happy relationship should be able to at least imagine that feeling. If the other person was gone, wouldn't you feel a part of you gone too? A lot of people heard about the bad stuff that was going on in my life, because that's what I do...I bitch about all the bad stuff. I don't share all the good stuff because one I don't think they want to hear it, and two, half of my close friends are still single. Why am I going to tell them all the stuff that is good in my relationship when I know they wish they had that, and they don't want to hear it. Brett and I are slowly bringing the relationship where it should be, not where it was going. We were so worried about the future that we forgot about the present. We forgot what was really important...and that's us. As Hermann put it...there are 3 lives in a relationship...His, Hers and Ours...and you have to be able to maintain all 3 successfully for the relationship to be a great one. Brett and I forgot about the first two and only worked on the "ours" life...which could be why we were having problems in the 1st place. Anyways I got to get to work...i'm going to be late, but I will post more again. I've accquired a new mindset and outlook on life, and I think overall it is going to make me a better person...whether Brett stays in my life or if he doesn't...I'm finally happy with who I am becoming..and I hope my friends can see that and realize that I didn't get back with him because I was sad(yes true I was), but because there was a part of me that felt like was taken from me and I genuinely missed Brett. I missed telling him about my good days, my bad days, etc. I missed yelling at him for putting the toilet seat down and not closing the shower curtain. I missed all his faults, and all his positive side. I'll leave with one last thought...It is true Brett has a problem with money, and some people think that can never change. Well Brett also had a huge problem gambling 100 dollars way when I first met him too...now he plays for fun, and if he does lose it's the max $20. He now has money in his savings as well as an extra $200 est. in his checking. Before he lived from paycheck to paycheck...do I think he will ever stop his compulsive buying...no...but do I think he is more aware of it and concerned about how it is affecting his life...yes, and do I believe that he will make the effort to try and control it...yes. As Hermann put it, about 80% of Americans have money issues...why am I holding Brett to that, when he is working hard to be aware of his issues and correct them?

current mood:

chipper

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Sunday, August 28th, 2005

9:05 pm - day 2 w/o Brett

so far today was a pretty good day. I had a very rough morning, but then Erin came over and we went shopping. We went to find her barstools. First we got Kyle and then went to eat at Tijuana Flats. First time I ate there...it was pretty good, although I wasn't hungry I made myself eat(good for me). Then we stopped at big lots and after a fun search trying to find stupid wasp spray(they didn't have it) we got a couple of bar stools for a good price. Then we ventured over to the Flea Market in sanford...how much fun was that. Never been to a flea market. Got to see stinky fish, some puppies(cant remember the name of the 3 someone bought) and of course Atari games...yes atari games, cause I have a working atari that kicks ass!!! Anyways then I came home and started cleaning to keep my mind off of things, and that went pretty well until dumb ass called me(ok he's not a dumb ass but it helps if i say that even though I still love him to death) which of course sent me into tears...then as we were haning up stephanie called me and made me happy again. I've been in a good mood for a while until i read some comments, that I needed to hear. Sometimes it's really hard to hear the truth even though you need it. Thanks Kyle for those words...even though they are very hard to hear. I'm sure I'll need them often, so be prepared. Over all I'm doing better. I'm not crying every minute of the day anymore, but my eyes are pretty swollen from all the crying. Anyways that's it for now...hopefully things will continue going better for me. I think I've hit bottom so there's only one way I can go and that's up.

current mood:

exhausted

10:32 am - depressed about Brett

Ok so last night was the hardest night of my life. I didn't sleep well cause all I was thinking about was Brett. If I'm not suppose to be with him, why can't I stop thinking about him?!? I so just want to call him up and tell him I'm sorry and get back together, but I know that's not the right thing to do. I need him just to hold me and tell me that it's going to be ok. This is so god damn hard. I dont know if I can do it. I'm not hungry at all since this happened...I have ate a lunchable and a couple pizza rolls...woohoo. I'm so depressed right now and I dont know how to get out of it. The tears just wont stop. They really need to...I need to concentrate on lesson plans and the such. This just soooo sucks. Every time I turn around something is reminding me of him...how can I get him off of my mind? I can fake happiness but I dont think that is going to help how I feel inside. Hopefully if I just keep writing about how I'm feeling I will some how get better???? One can only hope. Today I'm going to the flea market with Erin and maybe Kerry depending on if dumb boy calls her. I'm trying to keep busy not thinking about Brett...when I'm with other people I'm ok, but when I'm alone it's torture. I missed him so much sleeping next to me in my bed last night. I took so many things for granted with him...and now he could possible be gone for good...sigh. I hope not...I hope he gets everything he needs to get done taken care of and that we end up back in eachother's arms again. I know I can't keep holding onto that thought, but it wont leave. Yesturday during the hypnotist show I tried so hard to get hypnotised so I could stop for just a bit thinking about Brett...didn't work though. I couldn't shut off my mind and when I did I heard people around me talking which took me out of the relaxed state I needed to be in. It is now exactly 24 hours from when Brett and I decided to take a break...how much more can I last?

current mood:

crushed

12:46 am - loooonnnngggg entry

Ok...this is going to be a very long post I have a feeling. When I last wrote I was still at Four Corners Charter(which I refer to as hell). When the summer break came I knew I wasn't coming back but I told the school I was undecided so the job hunting began. I had a couple interviews and I thought they went really well but unfortunately didn't get the job. I then had an interview with a school in seminole county...the principal told me I needed to make sure things were taken care with the county and to call her monday. That same week I got a letter from four corners saying I was no longer employeed because I didn't sign my contract. Although, I was trying to call them(due to the fact I know my deadline date was coming up)and let them know I would be returning. They(4 Corners) extended my deadline to that next monday and if I didn't sign my contract that was my last chance. At this point I might have had a job but I might not have...I didn't know what to do. I prayed so hard about it and luckily monday morning I got a call from the school I interviewed at and they offered me the job. I greatfully took it to keep me from going back to hell. Now we fast forward through time...I now am working at Goldsboro Elem. and I'm absolutely loving it. The first 3 weeks were awesome...then this past Friday hit. I had a student who just snapped in my class. He came to class already upset, so I tried to calm him down..gave him a lot of positive reinforcement,etc. Well that worked for about 5 minutes and then he went bezeerk. He was kicking over my piano benches, kicking the Orff instruments. I swear I thought he was going to break everything in that music room...but what can I do??? I'm not suppose to touch a student...well then he started to kick other students. I couldn't have this, so I caught him and was holding him while I'm trying to get help. I tried to call for help for 20 minutes and finally I got a hold of someone by sending two of my students running around the campus to find someone to help. During this time I called mom and had the child talk to mom also. The problem is that this child has no discipline at home...he thinks he can do anything he wants, and it's causing major problems at school. This started my weekend pretty shitty...then the shitty weekend continues today. Brett and I have been dating for almost 1 1/2 years(it would have been in 10 days at least). Well for the past couple weeks we've been talking out our problems and we discovered that the spark between us has died along the year. We tried to work through it, but unfortunately I had to bring up the subject again this morning. We agreed to be honest with eachother and I didn't want to hide anything from him....after a veerrryyyy long talk this morning we decided to take a break. I thought this would be a great thing, but I hurt soooo much. I called Kerry and she helped me take my mind off of it for a little while. We went shopping and got some new outfits, and then we headed over to Bonkers Comedy Club for a girl's birthday we didn't really even know, but we promised we would go so we went. I actually had a great time watching the hypnostic show, however after all my emotions came back to me. They started playing music that reminded me of Brett. I already miss him so much. It hurts for me to think that he is hitting on other people, getting phone numbers, etc. I know we both agreed to take a break, and we know that until we seperate the phones and give back our keys we aren't out of hope to get back together...but I have this deep down feeling that we aren't going to get back together. I haven't been away from him for 24 hours yet and I miss him so much. I'm wondering if I did the right thing. I wasn't completely happy with him, but I'm miserable without him. It's just so hard. Kerry was telling me that she was exactly the same way when she was with Kyle and realized it wasn't working and now they are friends. I just cant picture my life w/o him in it in some way...even as friends I would take it. I just hope he doesn't back down on his word and decide that he can't be my friend. We are still going to see eachother, but not exclusively and take it back to where we should have started as friends...then if something happens we knew it was meant to be. The hardest part of all this is that he told me the secrets he was hiding from me. The first was that he planned on taking west coast lessons so that I would have someone to west coast swing with. The second was that he was planning a cruise to Hawaii for my spring break. The last was that he was going to propose to me on my birthday when we went up for Rachel's wedding. I hope I didn't blow one of the best things that came into my life. He understood me, and he could deal with all the shit I put him through. All my mood swings, and the such...he learned to deal with it. I'm trying to be so strong, but it's so hard. I pray to God that he will lead me where I'm suppose to be. More to come later...I need to get some sleep. G'Night.

current mood:

depressed

Tuesday, March 8th, 2005

2:09 pm

My kids are driving me insaine!!!!! Well, maybe it's not the kids, maybe it is the school. We are having FCAT Monday and Tuesday this week, and then Monday, Tuesday and Wedensday next week depending on the grade. Why we are testing like that I will never know. They didn't want to stress out the kids, but then we are prolonging it so we are causing them more stress right??? Anyways, the school decided we were going to do school wide activities instead of teaching. Yesturday was supposedly a movie in the cafeteria...however it turned out to be all the kids outside with about 40 kids in the cafeteria watching a movie that you couldn't hear sound to. Today each teacher was suppose to host something in their room and then kids chose which room they wanted to go to...which would have been a great idea if the person collecting the sheets didn't lose them. Today during lunch(that was chaos by the way) I got a memo that I was suppose to receive this morning. It turned out that the Dean decided to give us back our 1st period for an hour(which keep in mind we had them all morning testing until 12:30 or so) and then they were going to give us 2nd period and go home. I have had the same kids since 7:30 this morning and it is now 2:20...luckily for me I have second period planning so I'm done with kids until I have to go work aftercare. Everything here is complete chaos. I hate this school. We knew FCAT was coming since the beginning of the year, why is it like this??? Oh wait, cause I work for a retarded school! Well that was my rant, my kids are leaving so now I got to finish tuning one of the teacher's kid's violins now that it is quiet. Adios

current mood:

aggravated

Monday, January 24th, 2005

8:26 am - life

Another day that I am not prepared to teach. I have no urge to really plan to teach these kids. I am not doing what I love, and that is teaching chorus. I don't really like the job. I don't even know if I want to teach anymore. The passion that I had going into college just isn't the same. I need someone to motivate me, and not one is doing that at this school. I am the youngest one at this school, with everyone else being at least 10 years older than me. I have no one to really relate to. There is no other music teacher at this school. I feel like I am lost in the huge world of my school.

Other than that, my life with Brett is going well. There are times when I think about what my life would be like without him. Our relationship has hit a slump right now. He doesn't do anything romantic for me anymore, like he used to. He continually teased me about things he got for me for christmas, my birthday...so I decided I was going to get him something really special for valentine's day and our 1st year anniversary and I was going to tease him. So what does he do??? He acts like it is no big deal and brushes it off. Can you say knife in the heart??? I spent so much time on ebay trying to get the item and so much time thinking about what I could get him and how does he repay me...he brushes it off!!!! So I ended up in tears on Saturday because I didn't think he really cared anymore. He finally got me to tell him what was wrong, and then of course reassured me that he cares so much for me and what I got him, and that he was just playing around. Sometimes it just really hurts though, cause I don't always know when he is playing around. I just hope he comes up with something good for valentines day. This will be my first Valentine's Day with a guy..well actually second. My first was with Pedro and if you know that situation...it didn't really count(hahaha) so I really want it to be special. Anyways, I need to start getting some work done. I will try and write more later.

current mood:

blah

Monday, December 6th, 2004

11:27 am - RIP Uncle Gilly

Today keeps getting better and better...I wish that were true. Last night I found out that my great uncle gilly passed away. Once again like my grandfather's death, it was unexpected. With my grandfather I at least got to see him a month before he passed away. I got to tell him I loved him...with my uncle I haven't seen him since my grandfather's death. I haven't been able to tell him how much he means to me. Everyone says that he knows, but I still never got to tell him one last time. I might not even be able to go up for the funeral because the grading period is about to end. I need to finish my grades, but I need to be with my family too. My mom has told me to finish up the grading period first and that they will see if they can't arrange the funeral on friday or possibly saturday(which then I would be able to go). My kids are all very sympathetic and they know not to try anything. News spreads pretty fast through this school. I have had one class which I told at the end that I might not be here on Friday. During the 80 minutes of planning I have had kids run up to me, giving me hugs, etc. After all of this, I found out that the one person that gets everything accomplished for me is leaving. Any problems I have in the school I run to her and she takes care of them immediately. The truth is, this school is headed nowhere right now. She believes that in two years it will be a behavioral school. Lake county is building two brand new schools. The kids who are going to end up here are the kids that need discipline. Half of the teachers are going to be leaving...myself included maybe. Anyone know of any music jobs opening in seminole county? I really would rather teach either a elementary general music or a choral class. Middle school general music is extremely difficult to teach. I got my experience at least...give me some more years and I will continue to get some tricks up my sleeve. Anyways, it's time for me to stop moping around and get some work accomplished.

current mood:

sad

Friday, November 12th, 2004

11:31 am

No luck on my wish to feel better yet. Wednesday I had to stay home. I woke up at 3am and could not stop vommitting until like 6am...I then took my temperature which was higher than it has ever been...103.6. I never get fevers and when I do it's usually about 101 if that. My normal body temperature is around 97.6 degrees so you know I was sick. Laid on the couch all day feeling like I was going to die. Brett came over a little later that day to keep me company(I only pray that he does not get whatever this is). Thursday I felt better, but still really lethargic...was in bed by 8:30. Today I'm still very tired. It's only 11:30 and I'm extremely exhausted. Progress Report grades are due today and I'm so far behind. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up so I can leave on time today..eek

Ok A lot of time has gone by now..it's now 4:19 and I just finished grades, thank God so now I'm off to rush to the bank, then rush to get my new computer before my guy leaves and then rush to the ucf library to return some books...fun day...TTFN

Tuesday, November 9th, 2004

11:42 am - ramblings

Being sick sucks...but being a teacher and being sick sucks even more!!!! The dreaded cold that was going around was almost gone..but then I had to catch it before it left for good. Now I am miserable and I cant stay home because no sub is going to know how to answer my kid's questions. I have found out that musicals are the best thing in the world when you are sick. Although, they are watching movies, they are still learning a little bit about music w/o realizing it. Tomorrow hopefully I'll be feeling a little bit better. At least now my throat isn't killing me as bad as it was, I just can hardly breath. Went into Old Navy the other day, found a couple cute outfits, but most of the stuff once again is either wool or performance fleece. They sell the same thing every year. V-neck sweaters, turtlenecks, etc and they dont apeal to me at all since I live in Florida!!!! But there was this cute shirt in shop 1 that I bought...red silk V neck in the front and back. The reason I went there though was not to shop...it was for me to once again try to take care of the workmans comp issue that happened over 6 months ago!!!! Now debt collectors are after me, so once again I'm on old navy's case. Janet swears she took care of it...hopefully it is taken care of now...shelly has also said she will try to help me out as much as she can. I have decided I will not be going back for Christmas, maybe summer break I'll work a little bit. Definitely not closing though...I like my evenings! Anyways I need to go pick up the little hellions from lunch...adios

current mood:

sick

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004

4:19 pm - chaos!

Ok, haven't updated in a while so this might become really long. A couple months ago I loved my job, loved my kids, loved that I was getting help by getting instruments in the room, etc. Now that I have opened my eyes and seen what it really is I'm starting to dislike it. I doubt I'm going to get any instruments in my room. It's becoming more of a chore to teach these kids. Music isn't fun...isn't a drudgary and it's sad when the teacher says that. I at least am getting some books from the Silver Burdett Making Music Series along with CDs that should be arriving in the next couple weeks. I am also getting the sub books, so when I'm out I don't have to completely freak out to make sure my lesson plans are so good that anyone can follow them. There is such a lack of communication here. None of the teachers know what is going on at all times. I'm suppose to of had 3 or 4 observations by now...I have had one and that was back in the middle of September. They have no clue what is going on in my classroom. I love it, but at the same time I hate it. I dont mind them staying out of my business, but at the same time it feels like they really don't care at all about what is going on in their school. The only thing they care about is if we get an "A" rating. The air conditioning in one wing of the school was damaged severely so that wing has not had air conditioning in at least 3 weeks. It is going to cost the school $54,000 to replace b/c it is custom built and each part has to be built by hand. The school can't afford to replace it, and since we are a charter school Osceola county will not help us out. In other words, that wing is never going to be comfortable and guess what classes just happen to be over there. Ummmmm...the one's that determines the A rating!!! Yes, that would be the Language Arts and Math wing. All the specials have air(which is great for me), but if we go down they are going to start yelling at the teachers. Every day in my classes I have to do some stupid language arts prompt...I wouldn't be as mad if they allowed me to do something with music to incorporate it..but noooooo I have to do exactly what they gave me. So therefore, I'm not only teaching music, but also language arts and this dumb class called critical thinking that I will try so hard not to get started on. I thought this was going to be such a fun school to be at. I always wanted to teach in a private setting, since that is what I grew up in. Now I'm finding out that I hate it. And the only reason I hate it is because of the administration. It's sad, but I haven't heard one teacher say that they were going to stay next year...keep in mind it's only November and we are all saying this. That's pretty pathetic and it's not saying much for this school.

On a completely different note...I'm still going out with Brett. We are going on 7 months now. I still can't believe I've been with someone for 7 months and I haven't gotten sick of them. I guess there is someone out there for everyone. Kerry and I hung out on Saturday which was a lot of fun. She came with me to see my kids perform(which they did a decent job...wasn't spectacular...some pitch issues, but still decent). After the performance we went out and explored the area by my school that I never saw, and it turns out that I work about 10 minutes from where RACOON LAKE is. If you were in SAI and went to that retreat you'll know exactly what it is. Anyways, it's gone. Our wonderful "cabins/sheds" are all gone...sigh...good memories. We went and ate pizza at Pizza Hut then drove back to her place. I taught her some line dances she missed outside in her front yart(yeah we are cool)and then we headed to my place to change for Halloween parties. Went to Cristyn's first. She was bored out of her mind cause pretty much everyone ditched her. She was going to come to cowboys with us, but then one of her friends called and she decided to go with her. Which was completely fine, b/c then I would have had to drive all the way back out to sanford which is a drive for me. After Cristyn's we went to Joey's, took the tour of his house, chatted a little then left for cowboys. Didn't get there until almost 12am, but that is ok. When we got there Steve(kerry's ex) was there waiting for her...he was dressed as a whoppie cushion(kinda funny). We danced and had a ton of fun, until Kerry's feet started killing her b/c of her boots(you need to get dance sneakers..so much more comfy). I really missed her at cowboys...we dont always have to be near eachother there, but we have tons of fun! She is so much..especially when we tease dumb boys...now all she needs to do is call another dumb boy and get him to come to cowboys(he he he). She get's her license back on Saturday. I know it has been so hard for her to depend on people. I hated when I was out and she got ditched so she couldn't come to cowboys. I'm so glad she's almost done with everything. It was an expensive lesson, but one that taught us all the dangers and what may lie ahead. We love you Kerry!!!!! Anyways this is long and I've been typing forever and I need to get out of here for the day, so adios my friends!

current mood:

exhausted
current music: the entertainer by Joplin, performed by the Boston Pops Orch

Thursday, September 2nd, 2004

9:58 pm

Well since I haven't updated in a very long time I figured I would take a break from preparing for Frances and write. I have finally left Old Navy(thank God)!!! I got a job teaching at Four Corners Charter School in Davenport, FL. The benefits are great, and the pay isn't half bad either. I'm starting to get some instruments in the classroom thanks to Sam Ash and George's Music. They are donating instruments and giving my kids a really good price towards rent to own instruments. Can you believe it...I'm going to be teaching band also(gasp). I figured what I will do since it is a "music appreciation" class is have chorus be the first half of the week, band be the second half of the week, and on Wednesdays the students will do stations. Each student will have the opportunity to learn keyboards, guitar, and drums as well as an instrument and their voice. I can see this school eventually turning into sort of a school of the arts. My mentor let me know today that I was giving him competition for being the coolest teacher of the school. I thought the kids hated me cause I was strict, but I guess not since they are bragging how much they like me as a teacher. I think it helps that I have a drum set and electric guitar in my room that kids have had the chance to play(as well as many of the teachers in the school...lol). Other than teaching my life has pretty much been the same. Brett and I are still together. The honeymoon stage has worn off a bit though and he slowly begins to wear on my nerves sometimes, but nothing too momentous has happened. The day before Charley hit he cracked his head open, so I spent a fun filled night in the hospital with him, then Charley hit so I didn't get sleep that night either. Of course after Charley I didn't have any power, so sleeping was almost non-existant and now that I catch up on sleep Frances hits. I have had to prepare my house completely by myself. My parents are in Alaska...so anything that happens damage wise I have to be in charge of. I have done so much, but yet I still feel like there is so much more to do!!!! What were the chances that central florida would be hit by 2 category 4+ within 3 weeks?!?!?! Probably one in a million billion trillion...but of course it would happen when I was in florida!!! Anyways I'm just bitter(pitty party of one!). But I'm tired...I haven't really stopped working since I went into work today so I'm off to bed...it's past my bed time(it's sad when you are always so tired that your bed time is seriously 9pm!).

Thursday, June 24th, 2004

8:53 am - ramblings of MI, Isaac(my nephew) and other random thoughts

Got back from Michigan on Tuesday but I took yesterday off work too so I could get everything in order. I hate getting right back into life the day I come back from a vacation. If I dont do my wash and such the next day my house/room would be in turmoil forever and a day after. Michigan was so nice! I had to wear jeans everyday though cause it was in the low 70s(how I have become a floridian...I remember when 70 over the summer was nice and warm)but the sales they have going on clothes and sandals right now are unbelievable. I got so many clothes for teaching for about $100...half of it is still in Michigan cause it wouldn't fit in the suitcase. They will be back down in a week with my mom. The only thing I hated about MI was my flight home...4 hour delay so instead of getting home and resting before my softball game, I got home in a rush, got changed and headed out. When I got to the airport I was kinda prepared for a delay...there was no plane at the gate. There is always a plane at the gate!!! So when our plane came in another northwest flight decided to steal that one and make us wait longer. Another thing I found out is that most of the detroit airport restaurants do not take credit card...and of course no ATM is anywhere to be found! On another note...my dad left today so now I got the house to myself(woohoo-that's the good side) but I have to babysit the dogs(downside). Caesar isn't a problem...it's the puppy rufus. He's still such a pain in the butt. Get to go back to work today...shipment(woohoo) I hope today is a good day. It's getting to the point at work where I'm just sick of being there...there are always a few people that piss me off daily that I'm there. I try to not let it get to me...but it always does. On shipment the mentally needs to be...lets get this shit done and get out of here...right now under some people it's...we should have fun and be out by 4..usually when we take a lackadaisical mindset we are screwed and UPH will not be where we want it and such...oh well such is life...I can't make people work faster, just myself. Still looking for a teaching jobs...there are so many out there but no one is interested in me I guess(sigh). I just hope its not because of one of my references...i hate my senior internship superviser...I'm still trying to get seminole counties from her, and now I need orange and brevard too!!! Who knows when that may happen. Oh I almost forgot the most important reason I was posting..my little nephew is the cutest baby in the world!!!!! (and I know all aunts say that, but he really is a cute baby and pictures do not do him justice). He has such a personality already that he expresses through facial expressions. I think they changed every minute if not more. He doesn't cry a whole lot...just when he's hungry or has gas. It amazed me how good he is being for only 2 weeks. He is even sleeping through the night already. My brother and sister in law are thrilled with that one. Anyways this has gotten really long and I need to get some crap done before I go to work so TTFN!

current mood:

grateful
current music: Shania Twain-Up

Wednesday, June 16th, 2004

3:00 pm

wow, haven't updated in a while again. Nothing new has been happening really. Still working at Old Navy...it has its days, been sicker than sick, still dating brett(which is going well)and I'm officially an Aunt. Isaac David was born June 7th, so I get to see him when I get to Michigan on Saturday(sooo excited to see my nephew). I plan on helping out tons. Hoping to see Martina since I can't go to her wedding shower and drop off her present to her maid of honor's house. Still trying to decide if I will be able to make it to her wedding. It costs money to continue to fly back and forth from Florida to Michigan and Old Navy really isn't paying me the best money in the world for me to afford 4 tickets. I'll see if my mom will help me out with that one so at least I can see one of my first good friends get married off. I get to go to the doctor on friday(thank God!!!) My migraines are getting unbearable and the cramps dont help at all. The combination of backpain and horrible pains near the hip bones as well as a massive throbbing in my head does not make it easy to do anything...so hopefully they will put me on birthcontrol to help the hormone levels that trigger my headaches and put me on new migraine medicine since my Midrine is working wonders(not really...otherwise my migraine would have left 2 weeks ago!!!!!). And now to top off the wonderfulness of my life my air conditioning broke in my car so driving around in the heat of the day is not fun at all. My dad is going to fix it tomorrow for me(thank god I have a father who works for Ford and knows how to fix almost any problem that can arrise in a Ford car). Well now that my dad is fixing my car, I must go and do something for him so I'm off to clean up the house and possible mow the lawn. He does something for me...I must do something for him(it's expected)...adios for now!

current mood:

aggravated